Yesterday’s post was cheating; it was half a lie, in that it was all internal – yes, I was talking to myself. My son never heard those words that were screaming in my head that still lurk somewhere seething to get out. I am a calm and lovely mother in my old age, though have to confess to being very un-perfect in days gone by. Looking back on it now I would wish to have been different – a better mother, who put her children first instead of herself. My children deserved more of my attention.
So, if they’re not perfect now, I know that it could’ve been different. …but I don’t want to do that; blame myself. No, I blame their useless father, or single parenthood or the government or God.
How do you get past all this trudging down memory lane with an axe in your hand, trying to change paths and directions? I can’t; what’s done is done and we all just have to live with what we have at any given moment.
I’ve suddenly turned maudlin. How did that happen? Maybe I’m listening for heavy footsteps coming behind me – COME IN NUMBER 4 YOUR TIME IS UP! I think I sense a change in the air, and there has been movement in the extended family. My niece has just had her first baby; she was born with a condition called Septo Optic Dysplasia – she will definitely have problems with her sight, perhaps blind.
I told my sister-in-law that I’d been expecting something like this; we’ve had all these beautiful children over the years, and not one of them having any health problems or disabilities. Reality does come a-knocking, eventually.
Maybe my mood has swung over in this direction because I’m on holiday and have spent a lot more time on my own, or perhaps I’m just as bonkers as I ever was. Time will tell.
Irene, If you're bonkers then so am I. I know the feeling of expecting something to go wrong because things have gone so right, and you don't feel that you necessarily deserved such good fortune. I feel like that all the time and was surprised recently when I said as much at a dinner party that others clearly didn't share my angst! I went home very deflated, feeling I'd committed a social faux pax by admitting that I feel bad that my life is so good and others - through no fault of their own - have it so tough. Anyway, for me, it always comes back to writing. Use it to write - as you are with your blog - and get back to NaNoing. Fingers crossed that your grand-niece's condition improves and that your niece has the strength to cope with it. Now, write!
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